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Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Headmaster NOT forced to drink

Sources in Hogwarts have revealed that the Headmaster is NOT having a nervous breakdown, but more importantly he is not trying to escape from the pressures of his job by turning to drink.

“I know he got very drunk the other night,” said one member of the faculty, “But he is a great man and that was because he got the ingredients in his cough mixture confused. NOT at all because he is a broken man being driven insane by the endless torment of the Sorting hat!”

Another staff member commented, “The Headmaster does NOT drink himself into oblivion every evening, and is not found in a sozzled heap by the House Elves every dawn”

Representatives of the Ministry have confirmed that no one has approached them concerned about the Headmasters suitability for the job, however the Prophet does hope that the Ministry will step in and deal with some of the Headmaster's lewd behaviour if it seems necessary to do so.

Are you a Hogwarts Parent?

The Hogwarts Board of Governors is looking to select a set of parent Governor to join this, the oversight body of the greatest Wizarding School in the world.

The board of Governors, reformed after the 'Malfoy Knobbling Case', is made up of a representative of the Ministry, two faculty members, the headmaster, two parents and a student (usually elected by popular vote).

It is due to meet soon and is the final say on the running of the school and is the body responsible for the hiring and the firing of the headmasters.

Organising the whole thing will be Ministry official Danton Thirroul.

Famed Advocate returns to Britain; Picks fight with the Minister Already!

After several years practicing across Europe, famed Wizarding Advocate and legalist, Sigmar Biedermann, had returned to Britain after several years away. Biedermann who earned much hatred after successfully defending several former Death Eaters during Wizengamot trials (including the amnesty to the Malfoy’s) has occasionally be called ‘You know who’s lawyer’- a name he does not much like.

“It’s a petty insult said by Ministry officials who hate what I do,” he quipped when asked by one of pour reporters about it.
“I prevent the Ministry from every making the same mistakes again. I prevent them from becoming monsters like Umbridge”

The wily old legal fox seems to have his eyes focused on one department (as always) the Department of Magical Law Enforcement.
“For the past twenty years Magical Law Enforcement has been on a war footing- the Aurors especially, who do a fine job, often over step the mark- they take on board powers they should not have. But I have heard that the current Department Head, Deadlow, is a VERY level headed chap. I am sure there will be no issues.”

But already he has issues with our Minister of Magic- “Kingsley’s a war hero and a great man- but being IN the war like he was has made him lose objectivity. He wants to publish the Death Eater files- there is no good that could come from that. All he will do is open up wounds that have only just healed.”

The Captains Broom Line Up Announced

The Department of Magical Games and sports have confirm the full line up of events:

The Temple Bar Grand Relay: In teams of THREE (all teams must be registered before the event), set up in a relay- first team to complete the course wins.

The Duchess of Waterfords Liffey Bridge Challenge: One of the most difficult races in the Wizarding world- over and under the Liffey’s elegant bridges both up and down the Liffey- this race is not for the novice.

The Captains Grand Dublin Sweep: The most difficult race in the Wizarding World- contestants have to fly around Dublin at high speed, calling in at certain check points and doing specific tasks, all the while avoiding drowning, smashing into walls and killing Muggles!

Classified: WANTED

Young pure blood boy currently enrolled at Hogwarts.

The boy must be nice, have good manners and be willing to marry the youngest member of our old family in a few years.

The youngest member of our family is close to her 13th birthday and it's about time we start thinking about her future. We need to find her a suitable man to join our family and take care of her by the time she graduates.

She's all a wizard could ask for.

Interested suitable candidates, please send an owl to Floreana Writer to schedule an interview.

Muggles Report Terrible Screams Heard in ‘Britain’s Most Haunted House’

Britain’s most haunted house, 50 Berkeley Square, London, was the scene of a great disturbance yesterday, when Muggles reported hearing screams emitting from up to 100 yards away.

Of course the house is the location for ‘The Other Club’ the haunt in Britain- as yet no one from the Ministry was able to comment on what could have disturbed the ghosts and the prophet’s own ghostly reporter, Angus Fella, is away on leave! We hope for some light to be shed on the situation soon.

Foreign News; Revolt in Romania Continues

The fighting in Romania, now into its second week, seems to continue without any hint of abatement.

The Revolt against the Ministry of Romania, but a group of Wizards calling themselves the ‘Liberation of Transylvania’, has been raging across the Carpathian mountains now for 14 days. Unconfirmed reports have claimed that the LT forces have started using dragons against their foes.

The Department of International Co-Operation has issued a warning to all British Wizards to avoid the area; Ministry Spokesman Danton Thirroul said- “The Minister is very concerned about the events in Romania and is looking to help the Romanians any way he can;’ in the meantime it is just a jolly sensible thing to do, to avoid going to the area yes?”