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Thursday, September 18, 2008

Speeding on the Increase

By Ludavis Mortimer

The department of magical law enforcement has reported an increase in the number of speeding offences in the last year. Year on year statistics show that fines were up nearly 10% for flying at excessive speed through muggle controlled zones, and flying without due care and attention to observation offences were up by 8%.

Filius Ambridge, spokesman for the safety group "BRASS" (Broom Riders Against Silly Speeds) condemned selfish flyers for risking observation by Muggles.

In the worst incident, a group of young witches were almost in collision with a Muggle light plane  as they practiced quidditch, and a stray bludger left a sizeable dent in the muggle artefact.

"All broom riders should ensure they comply with the provisions of the Broom Traffic Act" said Ambridge.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Missing Muggles Mystery

Bertram Squill
WAP - Wizarding Associated Press

The Ministry of Magic has again denied any knowledge of magical involvement in the disappearance of muggle vagrants in British towns and cities in purges that appear to happen once every four weeks.

"I can continue to assure you that we have no evidence of a large enough and organised group wizards sufficient to cause such wholesale social change," insisted Madam Rubble of the Ministry of Magic, "and in any case, the Muggles are happy about this, so why are we worrying? No doubt they just moved on to greener pastures."

The Ministry was also quick to re-affirm that there have been no cases of disappearances of any witches or wizards ("Other than Elmira Babbage", added one official. "But she always goes missing on Fridays. She has been known to vanish for months at a time. So we are not worried".)

Monday, September 15, 2008

No Word on Mysterious Lights

By: Alfred Burgin

Ministry of Magic investigators have so far turned up no clues as to the nature of the mysterious light seen in the skies across the UK recently. 

Whilst muggle press has been full of speculation about Unmistakable Falling Objects (UFOs) and muggle military movements have indicated more than a passing interest in the phenomenon, ministry of magic officials have confirmed that they suspect magical forces were at work.

However recent investigations in the Lake District have turned up no new leads, and the ministry of magic has denied that it has lost touch with any of its aurors.

Lost Scoop Returned

By Pulchra Mobbins

There was joy in the Foss-Beaverbrook family this week after the recovery of the famous scoop of Bartimeus. 

The scoop is the very same one used by the great potions master Bartimeus Beaverbrook, who was famous both for the potency of his potions, and their pleasant mint flavour. Indeed there has been much speculation and several research papers regarding the properties of the scoop itself, with some suggesting that it was a charm in the scoop that gave the potions their magical potency. 

In a recent robbery at the home of Milicent Foss-Beaverbrook, magical items to the value of a thousand galleons were taken, but the greatest loss was the legendary scoop. Remarkably the thieves did not seem to appreciate the value of the item they held as it seems it was then thrown into the lake by Hogwarts School, Scotland, observed at a distance by witnesses practicing quidditch.

Said Tom Trevethick "I was just showing Riko a cool spot where you get a pretty view of the sunset near the south rings, when I heard a splash and Jadz saw someone throw a loo brush or something in the lake".

Also witnessing the event was one Safra Nitely, who with some other class mates started to put together the pieces of the puzzle when the lake developed a minty aroma. Hearing about the recent robbery, and paying special attention in classes, enterprising students realised that the missing scoop may have been discarded in the lake. Somehow they then managed to persuade  hostile mermaids that it was in their interests to retrieve the scoop and return it, and they then handed the item to the headmistress of Hogwarts.

"I am just so happy to have the scoop returned safely". Said Milicent Foss Beaverbrook yesterday. "I shall be forever in the debt of young Safra, and her friends at Hogwarts".